"Jack, how the hell are you? You still getting bombed?"
"No, Admiral Greer told me I had to sober up. I have a new mission."
"How is Admiral Greer?"
"Depends on which one you're talking about. James Earl Jones died. Twice, I think. One time he died from pancreatic cancer in DC, and the other time he died from a precursor to nuclear armageddon at the Super Bowl. But that might have been Morgan Freeman."
"Speaking of nuclear armageddon, what's the new mission all about? Are you in Crimea, cleverly giving pause to those Godless Soviets in their relentless march to annex Western Europe?"
"Oh, then you must be in Malaysia. Thank God. You need to solve the mystery of Flight 370, Jack, and do it fast. I'm gonna have to resort to watching Fox News soon if CNN doesn't quit droning on and on about these missing Won Tons."
"No, I'm in Conakry."
"You're thinking of Canarsie, and it's in Brooklyn, not New Jersey. I'm in Conakry. That's Guinea. West Coast of Africa."
"What in God's name are you doing there?"
"There's a serious terrorist threat brewing down here. We are reasonably certain Achnad is trying to make an apocolyptic weapon that every expert agrees could kill between 25 - 90% of the population of the US."
"Muslim extremists are building a weapon which could wipe out our country, in Guinea? What's it made of? Poverty?"
"I can't tell you. Don't want to cause a panic. But it sucks. Like, big time. And as we speak, hordes of these Godless hummus eaters are pouring in to Guinea from every mudhut Madras in the Middle East to work on this project. I gotta put a stop to this shit while there is still time."
"Holy shit, Jack. Godspeed. Say, any chance you can give me a quick heads up on what these murdering fucktard Arabs are planning? If this situation is as bad as you say, I'd like to prepare."
"I can't tell you. I'm in the CIA, remember?"
"C'mon Jack, please. You can tell me. What is this evil plan you must stop at all costs?"
"OK, I'll tell you. You know that scene in Anchorman II where Champ Kind admits to Ron Burgandy that the 'fried chicken' he serves in his restaurant is actually fried bat?"
"Yeah. 'Chicken of the Cave'. Fucking hilarious."
"Well, don't laugh, but right now there are a shit ton of bad guys rooting around Equatorial Africa in an effort to harvest these chicken of the cave which they will then use to create a weapon of unspeakable horror to unleash upon the US."
"Muslim Extremists are planning on wiping out America by opening a chain of fried chicken restaurants?"
"Fried, boiled into a sort of spicy pepper soup, or simply dried over a fire. It don't matter. Hell, he might simply grind 'em up and crop dust New York with 'em. Or he might just sprinkle a little in the hummus at his tabbouleh stand at some busy airport. Mark my words - Achnad is hell-bent on capturing these bats, and weaponizing the fuck out of them."
"Weaponized chicken of the cave? Is that supposed to be funny?"