“Most Trusted Man in America, eh? Did you hear how he was slurring his words? And I don’t remember telling him he could have a party while we were gone. That sounded like a real rager he had going on.”
“Frank, I don’t know about you, but any party where people are literally trying to hang themselves because they're so bored is not exactly what I would call a rager. Besides, Marlin Perkins was there, and who better to take care of Monty than the beloved host of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Once he finished trying to get me to buy that term life policy, he did give us a pretty good report on Monty.”
“Exactly. Relax. Your mom is resting comfortably, your dog is ok, the weather here in Maine is glorious. Be happy. In fact, in honor of Labor Day, and in an effort to interject some humor back into these posts - I’m going to interview you. OK?”
“I dunno, Bob. I’m kinda tired.”
“Fair enough. OK, how about this, pure stream of consciousness, your most memorable Grateful Dead related moments. Go:”
“Being treated for two ruptured ear drums at the ER after my brother found me, whacked on acid, lying on the floor of my bedroom listening to Steal Your Face with two large bookshelf speakers on either side of my head like they were headphones…the first time i ever smelled pot, and all the times I smelled pot thereafter that smelled exactly like the first time I smelled pot…spending three hours trying to find my car in the parking garage in Springfield, whacked on shrooms, until the lot was completely empty, summoning up the courage to find a cop to report my car had been stolen - only to have him say “Have you tried looking in the parking garage on the other side of coliseum?”…Tampa, handing my cellphone to some stranger standing behind me so he could wish a buddy of mine Happy Birthday, then completely forgetting about it, until about an hour later when somebody from in front of me handed me my phone back after a hundred or so people all took turns wishing Jonathan Happy Birthday…all the times I thought it sounded like you were gonna come out of space into St. Stephen, but didn’t, until the first time you did…
“…traveling all the way to Telluride to see your two shows during the “Harmonic Convergence”, both of which sucked by the way, and climbing up some hill to watch the sunrise with a bunch of people I didn’t know, all of us whacked on something or other, so we could greet the dawn of a new age of peace and prosperity from atop the world’s largest underground deposit of amethyst, only to find out the next day we were actually standing atop the county landfill…smoking a joint somebody handed me which was laced with PCP during a show in Glens Falls, then spending the next two hours trying to carve the poem Ozymandias into the floor of the men’s room with a bic lighter…eating so many shrooms during a show in New Haven I literally forgot who I was, which scared me so badly I left the show early and went back to my dorm room to try to figure out who I was by reading my mail, which should have worked, except all I had was junk mail, so I spent the next hour sitting on the floor of my dorm room wondering what kind of parents would name their son "Dear Occupant".